What Defines a Person?

What defines a person? Money, marriage, career, schooling, your car, religion, or something just as basic as the color you dye your hair? I good friend brought this question to the forefront of my mind, and I have been thinking about it all day, and wondering, who am I? How do people perceive me? And what exactly defines me?

Over the last three years of my life, I have changed in a variety of ways, from my political stance, to my objectives as artists in a world of finance and money. New York City is the embodiment of the elite, the fashionable, the cream of the crop. How have I managed to find my niche in this superficial world of which I believe very little in? Well maybe I haven't. Maybe I just live a double life, or perhaps I realized like Kermit the Frog in "Muppets Take Manhattan" that if you can't beat em' join em'. I mean why should I not live the life I deserve to live? Why should I be bitter at the world for something neither I nor they can control? Why should I punish people for their status? These are questions I asked myself a long time ago. And the answer is, I shouldn't

Growing up I was faced with financial hardships and discrimination. I had (what I considered to be) really nice birthday parties, but kids as young as 10 would shit on my life by saying my house was too small. In fact there was this one girl who would torment me in middle school about my moms old car. I had to start carpooling with my neighbor Rachel to get to school because the humiliation made me cry everyday (thanks Kathy Reid). All my clothes were hand me downs or from a garage sale, but I never felt like I dressed unfashionable, and when I look at photos of myself and my sister I always think, what good looking snazzy kids. My mom busted her butt to make us some of the prettiest Sunday and Easter dresses. But I had never felt insecure about these things until I entered the public schooling system, and kids started pointing out my shortcomings. I always thought I had a sweet life, with an awesome house, an amazing yard and my own creek to play in. Reality kinda messed that up for me in my head, and nothing I had was ever good enough or the right thing because I was constantly comparing what I had to others. So I started working at an early age to buy clothes and things that I thought would make me feel better, but it never did. So in High school I guess I just stopped trying to fit in, and thankfully met people who's lives didn't focus so heavily that stuff, and treated me as an equal even if their parents had money.

It was those few special people in my life that grew up in big lovely homes and never wanting for anything, who opened up their lives to me, and for that I am eternally grateful. I saw that you don't have to be a snotty stooge if you are well off.

Unfortunately at that point it was too late; the damage of preteen drama and squalor had taken its toll on my young and impressionable mind. It's like having a family with two children: one is your own flesh and blood, and the other is adopted. The one, your flesh and blood, gets the shiny new bike and brand new clothes, while the other only gets hand me downs and whatever is left over. How could a child or person not feel some resentment or anger at the world for giving him/her the "short end of the stick" as they watch their sibling get everything he/she too would like to have? It's a harsh scenario, but the reason I use this one in particular, is because for my uncle, that was his whole life. Much harder than mine. He (my mother and aunt) was orphaned due to an alcoholic family situation that turned ugly in the 1940's, he (my mom and aunt) was never given any luxury, as back then most families only took in children for the extra paycheck. Their real child always got new things, including a fancy new bike, which was flaunted in front of my uncle. He dealt with abandonment issues, nightmares of being taken away from his home at 3 years old, and then on top of that never feeling equal in the world, or in his temporary home. Over the years my uncle became a bitter young man, reckless and violent, and personally I don't think he has ever fully recovered from the feeling of being under appreciated and angry that he didn't have the life he deserved. And can you blame him? Childhood trauma is harder than people realize to overcome and move on from.

While my situation was not so severe, (as I realized how much I did have later on), I too, as hard as it is to admit, resented people with money and whose parents could pay for things like college, cars, etc… It didn't seem fair. Don't we all deserve the finer things in life? Or even just the basic things? I had this subconscious hatred for those same kinds of people who made me feel like shit for not having these luxuries. It was hard for me sit back and watch the world reap its benefits, when I didn't, and get discriminated against for it to boot!

I recently joined a site called "YouTube" and I made a video about my teen angst and depression issues. Teens and grown ups alike have written to me in turn about their lives, and I will tell ya, when I read some of their stories, I think, "and what exactly was I complaining about?" My childhood was a happy one, and I got everything I wanted as a youngster. My mom got the enjoyment of watching my sister and I rip into boxes upon boxes of presents, with a real Christmas tree that we all decorated ourselves together as a family. We always had a ginormous feast every holiday, and presents were also adorned on birthdays, special occasions (like ballet recitals) Easter, and of course through the year. We had all this when my mother growing up had one box of belongings. Seriously, one box of things. I don't even know if people can imagine how that must have been, but like myself, my mother never wished she had more, she just wished she had a loving family. So she made one, and gave us everything she and my father could give us. Which to some kids wasn't enough, but for me and my life it was great.

I remember my dad and I going to rent movies on the weekends, which honestly I loved, and then one day I ran into a group of "them" the popular girls from my school while picking out movies. I consider it one of my finest moments, it was during middle school I believe, and I had just learned to kind start defending myself, so when the girls asked who I was here with, I proudly answered, "I am renting movies with my Dad…" girls looking at me like I am crazy, and a couple of them started to snicker and turn away from me… I just continued to say, "well I like it, and we always have a good time." And we did, I mean HELLO, awesome movie, awesome dad, and all the food we could stuff in our faces, it was great! And I mean I will never look back on life and wish I'd spent more time trying to impress some bitches… lol.

So some ass hole kids in middle school and high school made my life a living nightmare. So I would run out of class crying and go home feeling less than mediocre on a regular basis. I don't know what made those kids think and act the way they did. But Honestly? I had to just grow up, and get over it, and get over the fact that I wasn't a kid with a lot of excessive privileges. I realize half the people in the world with money have worked their asses off to get there... and then there's Paris Hilton...lol, but seriously, most rich people have a lot of problems that I will never have. I have friends, who are fortunate to be in better financial situations, have fiance's, and other good things in their life, I am only happy for them. I don't envy, judge or hate. And I am a happier person for it. I don't always understand why life hands me the tougher hand sometimes, but I consider myself lucky, for the opportunities I have, and what I always knew I had. Two loving parents who are still together, our own home, a way to get around (old car or not), memories of a a fabulous yard where I got to take cookie pans and slide down it's snow covered slope, summers in the creek, swinging in my back yard, a sister who will always be a best friend, a dog, my neighbors who were my second family, and a life of making art. Something that I have to show for all my years of living on this planet. I am immortal in my work… So right now I don't have a boyfriend, or a husband, or kids. I have other things going on. I am busy in my talents and ambitions. I have some sleep problems, and some depression and anxiety, but I don't suffer from any serious physical ailments, and for that I feel relieved. For now I am a pretty healthy girl, and I deeply sympathize and feel for people who have to struggle with sickness and routine surgeries. I have things that a lot of people don't have, an honest heart and determined soul, and who knows maybe they are bitter at people like me for that?

Unfortunately we aren't all born healthy, given the same set of parents, the same house and the same financial set up.

I have really deviated from my original idea here… So… what defines a person? Well firstly, I think IF what we do, and what we have, and believe is what defines us, we are all pretty screwed… Cause if your career makes you a ton of money, you may be perceived as arrogant, greedy, or ungrateful for what you have. If you have no or little money you are considered a bum or low class… Bottom line, no matter what your status in life is, people will judge you regardless for who you are and what you choose to do with your life. Thankfully I have come to a point in my life where when and if I start to judge people, I stop, take a step back, and realize we all have different things going on, and no one should judge or define you for that. Just as I didn't like being judged based on my families income, I shouldn't judge someone based on theirs.

People judge people everyday. If you have a tattoo, if you don't have a tattoo, if you are a bar tender or a lawyer, a porn star, or a school teacher, no matter what people will judge you for taking the safe route or living a life of reckless intent and spontaneity. People will make fun of you for the way you look, if you are too thin or too fat, balding or your hair is too long. These are horribly superficial things but people do it anyway. We are all victims of judgment, whether we are aware of it or not, unfortunately I was just more aware growing up…

When people look at me they probably judge me. I was judged in high school because I did missionary work, people accused me of being a "Jesus freak," I grew up Christian, but NOW other Christians judge me for not going to church, and believing in other ways of spirituality and spiritual growth. I don't believe in one set religion anymore, because I am not trying to get acceptance from anyone but God, he knows my heart, and that's what my faith is based around. People judge me because they think I am a democrat, when I have never registered Democrat or Republican, I simply believe that we should all have equal rights to our bodies and that everyone should have equal health care opportunities, those just happen to be two democratic views. I also believe in corporal punishment and harsher laws for convicted felons, and I don't believe in public welfare checks for women who have too many illegitimate kids and who don't bother working, which are some very republican views. I am judged because I am a feminist, because I think it's important for women to be strong, know how to be independent, and ally with one another. But funnily enough feminists judge me because I still have no problem calling another woman a "bitch" if she deserves it. When I tell people I am an artist, some people probably see me as a failure, while others a great success. So… I cannot be defined. No one can be, because we are all constantly changing and growing, moving and shaking, and trying our best to be ourselves. I don't think a marriage should define you as a housewife, or that a career for that matter should define you, because a lot of peoples careers are not their passion, and have very little to do with who they are. And some people just gotta pay the bills. So does being a McDonalds employee define you? It shouldn't, does my job as a receptionist or a nanny define me? IT shows I know how to work with kids and people, but not because that's who I am, but maybe what I am conditioned to do, so I can support myself. So there, that is what I think. We cannot be defined. And next time you go on some lame ass job interview and they ask you the question, give me three words that define your personality, you give them these three words "go", "fuck", "yourself". Because there are no words for human individuality. Nothing can define your whole life, if that were the case we would each have our own encyclopedia I would be the OliviaCarolWilliams09291980AtlantaGeorgiaNorthSideHospital Encyclopedia, and next to me would be the other billions of Olivias in the world with their life story cause otherwise defining yourself is impossible.

Or maybe you could say I have not allowed anything to define me. I have broken the rules of definition, as don't we all as some point? I decided when I moved to New York, and finished school that I wouldn't let the hard times get the better of me, that doesn't always happen, but I fight the good fight, and realize, I don't want my financial status to define who I am anymore. Just as when I tell people I am an artist, I don't want that to be my defining characteristic either, even though my art is my life. Why is my art my life? It's not because it's my career, (trust me usually careers are what you make your bread and butter doing), art is my life because nothing else has come into my life to measure the love I have for it. All the men in my life have come and gone, but my art stayed with me. So it kind of, by default, became my one most important passion. But it's not the only thing I am… Because I love and do many things…

UG! This is going on way longer than I wanted it to be, but this question is probably about as hard as discovering the meaning of life. Maybe in this blog I am discovering the meaning of my life.

My conclusion: it's all relative, because no one can define you, and the people who try to, and try to judge you, it's just an opinion, not a fact. Some people will love you and think what you're doing is great while some will think you are wasting your time, and what you are doing is stupid. So none of it matters, the comparing and judging is juvenile and stupid. And I hope someday we can all come to an agreement on that.