There are many shades of life, for vision, sun protection, or simple fanshionista purposes. You might feel a brand new pair of shades fits the contours of your face unlike any pair ever before. And even if you have a sack full of completely competent shades, the new ones you have found still feel superior perched on your nose. In films and stories shades can be the helping hand for many a super hero, spy, and or a fabulous 80’s icon. I have worn many shades through my life, but as time goes by, my face has grown, and matured, in fact many of my shades (or sunglasses) have either gone amiss, or acquired scratches to the point where I had to buy new ones. When I was a child I owned a pair of rose-colored heart shaped glasses, which served no purpose other than to style my Charmkins (google 80’s toys Charmkins); no protection from UV rays or even basic shading for viewing purposes. In High School I was obsessed with funky eyewear, I knew with the right sunglasses my confidence level was strangely boosted. I once had a pair of sleek black rimmed frames with blue tinted shades that I loved, only because the crush of my life commented on how “cool” they were in the parking lot of a Waffle House one day. I had another pair of large round Audrey Hepburn style glasses, except they were designed with clear ruby red plastic frames and clear blue lenses. I’d purchased them in Little Five Points, only to leave them by accident on the top of my friend Mikalees car one day; as we drove off I was so pissed. In college (SVA) I had a favorite pair of DKNY shades that were actually damaged in a near fatal car accident with my mother. So I tried to buy some knock off brands of glasses in Chinatown, which looked hip for style, but would easily fall apart. For several years now I have loved and owned a pair of Tommy glasses, with big huge brown lenses and brown/cream colored frames. The hue of my life however has always been full of glamour, just like the glasses, except I saw the world a little differently through each tinted pair.
I suppose I have always looked at life in shades and tints, shapes and colors, and I often wonder, does anyone, will anyone, ever see life like I do? In High School I presented a speech at the Baccalaureate, (basically a pre-graduation ceremony). It felt good standing up in front of peers and strangers, choking on my own words with genuine emotion about the way I saw the world. Before that speech, I never had much identity in High School. I mean everyone knew of me, but not many people really knew what I was about, other than that art chick who wondered the halls with her walkman permanently affixed to here head. Mostly I was just trying to tune out the masses of people until classes commenced. I was a little less strange than (for example) Laney Boggs from “She’s all that”, except Freddy Prince never asked me out, and my shining moment in HS was not because of some guy who helped me see my inner beauty and trudged me out of my shell, I had to that on my own. Actually… that’s a lie, it’s cause of my mother.
My mother and I went to some parent teacher thing one evening towards the end of my senior year (rather she dragged me kicking and screaming). I was sitting bored off my rocker in the auditorium, probably pulling hairs out of my head, or picking a the dry cuticles of my nails, listening to what sounded like the “whah whah whah” of Charley Browns teacher. Then there was some mention about trying out for graduation speeches, afterwards my mother said, “You could do that?” I was thinking, "What? Work on a speech, only to have it turned down?” Like when I submitted work for the HS newspaper? No thanks, I didn’t really need extra rejection in the grand scheme of my public schooling days.
But my mother, who knew me very well (and read a lot of my writing apparently behind my back) felt I had the chops to present a kick-ass speech for graduation. However, I knew the school only really picked the “smart kids” who got like 3.5 GPA’s. Yet despite my bitter outlook on the politics of school, I did it anyway, for my mother. I presented my original speech in front of Coach Bounds, Coach Seals, and a camcorder. I didn’t get to speak at graduation (surprise), but because my writing was (in fact so) good I got to speak at the Baccalaureate. It was Coach Bounds who told me he wished I could have spoken at the graduation, but that because of the limited amount of time, and other people who were designated to speak (AKA the politics of HS hierarchy), there was no way to fit me in to the program. So that’s how I wound up speaking at the Baccalaureate.
For those of you who missed out on my monumental analogy of life (sarcasm), I will try to recap it here. Basically my whole life, and life since HS I have always viewed the world and myself in it as one large painting that I create. I can paint over places I have been to show where I am now, or remove and replace people who’ve come and gone from the image of my life, and so forth. I can paint scars or take them away, I can show hurt, and replace it with a happy aftermath. It’s kinda a brilliant way to see life really, the ever-changing canvas, and an eternally moving image in paint. Sometimes people ask me, “How do you know when one of your paintings is done?” I tell them, because it will look on the canvas how I envisioned it in my head. And that is how life is to me, and why the picture always changes. Because I want my life to be how I envision it to be. As we grow we change, and may want different things, and new circumstances can come into our lives that we enjoy, so we want to add to the vision. So that is why the painting in my mind is never complete. I am always creating it. Which is ultimately what my speech conveyed: That we are all artists, because “we are the creators of our own lives.” We each have a painting that we are constantly redrawing, adding onto, taking things away from, etc.... It was (if I say so myself) a lovely little speech that I put a lot of thought into. Before I gave the speech at the ceremony, the principal actually told me I needed to cut it down a little, for time purposes. I never did. Why? First let me explain, I am nor have I ever been the kind of person to hold grudge, like ever! However, I had some serious beef with this woman that I couldn’t quite hurdle over… Point and case one, I forgot a very important homework assignment at home my junior year, and she wouldn’t let me call my mother, so I began to have a panic attack and she told me I was being rude! Eventually the front desk lady felt bad for me, and let me sneak a call… Point two: when I called 911 when I found a janitor (after school hours) foaming at the mouth (after he’d stupidly mixed bleach and ammonia), and never got a thank you! Point three, when she mentioned memorable art students at some speech she gave, she somehow failed to mention me, even though she’d personally had written me a congratulations letter when I got through the first round of tests and tryouts for Governors Honors in hrmmm ART!… so yeeeaaah… I felt a little like Mozart (in the movie Amadeus) and this lady was telling me my writing had too many notes! Whatever, I didn’t owe her anything, it’s not like I was getting paid to do this, and so I read it exactly the same way I had presented it during my audition, and wouldn’t you know, everyone thought it was pretty awesome anyway. Later on I got a letter saying she wanted a copy of the speech to inspire future designated speakers. I always felt bad about it, but I never gratified her request. If I could go back in time, I think I would have given it to her, but honestly I was a pretty bitter teenager, not just towards her, but every one else who’d never seen my true potential until that moment. Snobbery, I know, but I was actually pretty snobby in high school, I surprisingly realized that I had very little humility about my talents, and when they were recognized. It was my art teacher Mrs. Owen who gently mentioned to me that when people told me my art was great, that it would be in better taste to say “thank you” instead of “I know.” It was hard for me to find such genuine humility because my whole life I was made to believe I was a loser when I wasn’t by the board of education, and most of my peers. Eventually I was able to say “thank you” without the chip on my shoulder, the chip that reminded me that I could do something others could only dream of doing. Today things are a little different, I never take a compliment of my work for granted, or maybe I just appreciate it more, because I actually like the people who are giving the compliments… Whatever the reason, I never get tired of hearing how someone loves my work, how it inspires them, and the like.
But getting back to my original train of thought, when I wrote that speech ten years ago, I really just wanted to show everyone, that I was basically like them. That I did all the same stuff, felt all the same emotions, and in that moment, I hope some of those kids maybe realized that. Giving that talk, I felt completely uncovered and empowered. My identity was finally shown, that I was not just some sunglass wearing portfolio toting freak. I was just a normal teenager trying to graduate High School. Why am I thinking about all this? Well, my ten-year HS reunion is rapidly approaching, and I am kinda sad, because a lot of people (friends) who really did know me in High School missed that speech. And sadly, a lot of them will miss this reunion. Mostly cause they didn’t feel a strong connection with the school or the people in it, or they have moved, think it’s dumb to reconnect with a bunch of people they never really knew or liked, or they don’t feel like they have anything to prove. And of course distance, (which is completely understandable, I wouldn’t be going if I still lived in NY.) All valid reasons I suppose, but I guess I am going, not to prove something, but because I did have a connection with those people. A lot of those kids I went to elementary school with, and middle school with. Good or bad, it was a connection, and what shaped my life. In my speech, I mentioned that no matter what the experience was, each of those experiences changed me and made me a stronger person. So for me it doesn’t matter anymore if kids alienated me, or that I was never a cheerleader or involved in the debate team, because if I had been part of a different click, I might not have turned out to be me, and I wouldn’t really want to be anyone else. And for that matter I did attend one debate team meeting, BORING! It’s funny cause unlike a lot of kids I never bothered to try and fit in. I mean I never really fit into a click, but looking back, everyone knew me for some reason. Whether it was because they thought I did drugs (because I fell asleep in class due to my acute insomnia), or because they though I had bulimia (because I threw up a few times during physical exercise in middle school, and was a total bean pole). PS yes I am laughing hysterically while writing this, cause it’s all true, people really thought these things about me. And in a way, isn’t that a form of popularity (ha ha ha)? If there was a US Weekly for High School there probably would have been a thumbnail picture of me in the bottom right hand corner face down on a desk passed out in Spanish class saying “Is Olivia on Drugs? Friends try to reach out by taking her to the local Waffle House to eat something.” But no worries, just to set the record straight, I never even tried drugs, nor did I ever have an eating disorder, just naturally thin and crazy, lol.
I don’t want to knock high school all together; I had a great time for someone with a half emerging self-esteem, and I was really pretty sad when it all ended. Surprisingly I realized the other day, I was almost barely with out a boyfriend from sophomore year on, so I must have been doing something right to attract so many guys, and not all of them were half bad looking. Overall my fondest memories didn’t always include kids in my grade or even the school, like meeting Jenny and Will Taylor (two seniors) in the cafeteria one day who changed my life and how I saw it, being involved in missions trips with my youth group at Christ Church Presbyterian, flirting with cute guys who didn’t go to my school while drinking too much coffee and loitering at the Waffle House in Cobb county with Mikalee Walker, Katy Cook, and Sina C, riding around listening to Lauren Hill and Beastie Boys with Katy Momeni when we would drive to our after school art class Senior year, and lastly getting a crap load of awards for being an awesome artist at a variety of juried High School exhibitions. But if I were to say what my best memories at my actual High School were, Melissa Keen introducing me to the magic of face glitter at a Riverwood football game, participating in drama from tenth grade on, junior prom when I went with my still friend now Brad Feldman and Mikalee, jamming out to the radio in the art room making art with Sarah, Lucia, Amber and Tasida, meeting up with Aaron in the mornings and having some decent conversations and mildly witty banter, my one and only skip day with Mikalee, and getting to know a plethora of underclassmen and hopefully inspiring them to be themselves. Yeah, those were some favorite times for me, just to name a few. I mean when I think about all the things I didn’t have to worry about, I really wish I could go back and relive it, if only to appreciate the freedom I had a bit more.
It’s funny in a way to even think about all this, cause I have lived so many different lives, going to three colleges for an undergrad was strangely something I had talked about. It was senior year, I was in Ms.Brandons art class with Mikalee and Tasida, and we were talking about college, and I said, “Wouldn’t it be cool to go to a different school every year?!” To which they realistically put, “Yeah but it would take you a long time to finish school…” Which was true, I went to school for five years and attended 3 colleges in 3 different cities, which was actually pretty rad. UGA credits for some reason didn’t really transfer over to art school in New York, go figure… I think it was my final school in New York where I did ultimately feel at home, and made lifelong friends, and had I not met my now husband, I would probably still be there. So when I think of all I have done, the people I have met, High School is such a small portion, and thankfully in college I got to do all the things I didn’t get to do in high school, and so much more. Honestly, I am not the same person I was then, there might be some similarities, but if one year can change a person than ten years can transform.
After High School I would bump into people from River wood who I’d never really hung out with, but I never felt like the fact that we weren’t bosom buddies in HS prevented us from being cordial to each other once out in the real world. In HS you never realize you are in a bubble, until you leave the bubble, but it is a bubble. I think when I went to visit colleges with my mother I realized what High School was, and that I was about to escape. I was ready to leave, and reinvent myself, or perhaps just meet my full potential. I knew then what I know now, that I was always better than what I was made to feel in High School. Thank goodness for my art teachers, they all took me under their wing and made me believe in what I was meant to do. Thank goodness for Mrs. Owen for helping me find my humility, and my mother for making me do things outside of the bubble. Because the way peers make you feel can statistically effect how you are for the rest of your life. And I hate to get on my soapbox about it, but the way kids treated me did effect me. While I harbor no resentment today, I suffered with body image issues for years, among other issues like financial status and the like. In defense of bullies however, I realize I too wasn’t always as nice as I could have been to others. I shunned a lot of people and refused to date certain guys because of what other people said about them, and I realize now that teenagers are really stupid, and simply don’t understand that’s not how life is. That we don’t just date someone cause they are sexy and cool, we date them cause they actually have something called substance. And that in the real world you don’t get to choose who you eat lunch with everyday, that you might just have to sit next to someone you don’t like in the break room. Over all it’s pretty amazing how superficial and brutal kids are to each other. It’s no joke, and when I read articles by doctors and parents about the same peer issues I went through, I realize how lucky I was to have a great network of friends, supportive parents, my creativity and intuitive teachers to get me through all of it. Not all kids have that, and that’s why many of them go nuts and either commit suicide or shoot up schools… sorry to get morbid, but it’s the truth, and whenever I hear about those things, my heart does go out to those kids who never had a chance, never had the good role models I had, never had the teacher that pushed them to do better things with their lives. I realize it’s also a personality element too, I have always been the knock me down and I get right back up kinda gal. Not sure where that comes from completely, but my mom tells me I was always that way.
When I was around seven I wanted to roller skate like the big kids at Sparkles, (which I hear has been torn down). My mom said it was painful to watch how many times I would fall, but she said I got back up to try again every time, without crying or complaining once. I’ve never been a quitter, that’s for sure.
But back to what I was saying… teachers, yeah some of them were pretty amazing. I don’t know what faculty might show up at this thing, but I thought one of the coolest things any teacher of mine ever did was when Mrs. Roberts (I think that was her name) made us write a letter to ourselves about where we wanted to be in like five years. She promised she would send those letters to us. When I read that letter, I funnily enough realized that all my dreams, things I wanted to do, where ultimately happening. That in HS I knew exactly what I was, an artist, and once again I am lucky because a lot of people never know what they are, or what they want to do with their lives. They struggle to pick a major in college, or to find work that makes them happy. A lot of people simply have to settle on something they feel pretty mediocre about.
Anyway, like most of my writings, this one is becoming one stuffed burrito. But I look forward to my 10 year reunion for one reason alone, that I can finally be who I am today, and enjoy some time with my fellow alumni the way I think I would have liked to have spent it back in the day. I am no longer the shy skinny girl in the art room, afraid of acceptance, who felt she had to wear a variety of shades to hide behind, I can just be myself, and so can everyone else.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Sweaters
This was an older blog of mine posted a few years back, but it's been a favorite for a while, so here it is for my Blogger account. Enjoy.
Sweaters: By Olivia Williams
In all my life I think the band Weezer had it right in the song about the sweater. Basically that the sweater is the feelings this person once had, and if you want to forget or "destroy" the past, maybe you have to let go of the sweater.
Living in New York, you get used to cramped spaces, and so over time you will probably toss a sweater or two, in my case maybe five or more. Except I don't toss anything, it's Salvation Army, or my friends… Okay the point? Basically that people have a hard time getting rid of old clothes, because of all the memories weaved into the treads. Looking through old pictures, with friends from college, high school, or elsewhere, I realized, I got rid of some of these sweaters!? FAVORITE SWEATERS!!! But that one of the reasons I had held onto the damn thing for maybe four or six years past it's prime was because of a memory, or special time in my life spent wearing the sweater. And while the sweater looked good then, over time the sweater (or sweaters) just don't fit the same, or flatter you any longer, they get faded, or get those disgusting pill balls (which can only be removed by hours of carefully trimming them off with scissors… sigh). Or perhaps it was a sweater from a lover, or friend, and it never looked good to begin with, but you still held on, maybe even wore it a couple of times on a lonely rainy night watching a bad lifetime movie that seemed good at the time, and even brought tears to your eyes, because in all honesty you were holding on to an old smelly sweater!
But all joking aside, there is something sad about letting go, and while often I wish I hadn't gotten rid of some of those old sweaters, I know I had to then, and will have to in the future, because that is life. We are woven together, but sometimes we just don't fit together anymore. But sometimes if you are lucky, you may just find that old sweater at the Salvation Army, and buy it back so you can remember one last time.
Sweaters: By Olivia Williams
In all my life I think the band Weezer had it right in the song about the sweater. Basically that the sweater is the feelings this person once had, and if you want to forget or "destroy" the past, maybe you have to let go of the sweater.
Living in New York, you get used to cramped spaces, and so over time you will probably toss a sweater or two, in my case maybe five or more. Except I don't toss anything, it's Salvation Army, or my friends… Okay the point? Basically that people have a hard time getting rid of old clothes, because of all the memories weaved into the treads. Looking through old pictures, with friends from college, high school, or elsewhere, I realized, I got rid of some of these sweaters!? FAVORITE SWEATERS!!! But that one of the reasons I had held onto the damn thing for maybe four or six years past it's prime was because of a memory, or special time in my life spent wearing the sweater. And while the sweater looked good then, over time the sweater (or sweaters) just don't fit the same, or flatter you any longer, they get faded, or get those disgusting pill balls (which can only be removed by hours of carefully trimming them off with scissors… sigh). Or perhaps it was a sweater from a lover, or friend, and it never looked good to begin with, but you still held on, maybe even wore it a couple of times on a lonely rainy night watching a bad lifetime movie that seemed good at the time, and even brought tears to your eyes, because in all honesty you were holding on to an old smelly sweater!
But all joking aside, there is something sad about letting go, and while often I wish I hadn't gotten rid of some of those old sweaters, I know I had to then, and will have to in the future, because that is life. We are woven together, but sometimes we just don't fit together anymore. But sometimes if you are lucky, you may just find that old sweater at the Salvation Army, and buy it back so you can remember one last time.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
No right, No wrong, just this
The other night after some much deserved rest, and relaxation, I began to stir, and contemplate certain things in my life. This was stemmed by a conversation I had. The conversation made me think about all the people around me whose lives have been affected by their work, relationships, children, relocating, etc... There is no wrong or right, there just is, and I realize that my lifes choices cannot be hindered based on other peoples warnings based on their personal experiences. I think when people draw upon stories from their lives; they are only trying to be helpful, hoping you will apply their insight to your own life. By me writing this, it’s actually the same thing, I am hoping that my insight will give you insight. The only difference is, my insight might actually make you a happier person. My insight will not judge your life, make assumptions because of things I myself have been through, or give you advice you didn’t want.
So let’s start this rant off right. My life is totally one hundred and fifty percent unique from anyone elses life, and so is yours (to whomever is reading this) for that matter.
Despite what people say, I cannot ignore what I know and feel. Ultimately I will do what I believe is the best thing for my own personal life and lifes circumstances, despite what anyone thinks, and you should do the same. We each find our own path, and find what works for us and our individuality. If you have already found your happiness in life, don’t assume that what worked for you, will work for someone else, or that just because someone else isn’t doing what worked for you, that it’s the wrong way to do it… That’s not how people function…
I always find it hysterically ironic that people that love certain movies are the same people, who if they personally knew the people in those movies, would surely have some negative feedback about their lifestyles… But isn’t the truth of the matter that we all want a storybook life? A life that is a little bit more interesting? But that’s a side thought, and not the point of this stream of consciousness I have decided to put out into the Universe. What I am talking about here is the path, the road, whatever the heck you want to call it that we walk on. The metaphorical journey that each person so desperately tries to connect with and figure out. Let’s talk about choices, you know the ones you make along that “journey.”
Hypothetically speaking: What if my best friend Kristen had made all the same choices that I had on her journey? Instead of staying in New York, where she grew up, let’s say she decided to move to Atlanta, and went to school there, and built a life there, it wouldn’t have really worked the same for her as my moving away from Atlanta, right? Moving around in my youth worked for me, but doesn’t work for everyone… Kristen has found other ways to expand her mind, and travels quite frequently. She even went away for a summer to New Mexico to paint last year. And is currently working on a wall mural in the city. She didn’t follow the same path I did, for if she had, who would she be, would she even be in New York to do a mural? She may have turned into a really boring person, she may have ditched art completely, her life away from New York would not have had the same impact that my life had being away from Atlanta. Kristen has a unique life however, she has vast calm, and lives a life that anyone would envy. We are not the same person, and for that I am glad. I believe that we have learned so much from each others differences, and give each other complimenting advice, which helps instead of hurts. Some people might compare the two of us, and say, I am not as patient a person, but I am actually just as patient, just in a different way. Externally I might get more hot headed, but that’s what makes me me, and don’t think Kristen doesn’t have her own fire, she just lights it in a different way. This is the beauty of being an individual. It is the beauty of being different, that gives each life a special zeal.
I am often misrepresented as impatient (hell if anyone likes long lines at the post office) but I know how to wait for things! I have persistently pursued my art since I was fifteen, and anyone that takes care of children, knows you must have a huge amount of inner calm and patience to work with kids on a day to day basis. I have waited, and am still waiting for many things in my life, but when I don’t see the need to wait for something any longer than necessary, I won’t. Why? Because purposefully waiting for something, because you think it’s the “right” thing to do, or what society expects of you to do, is how you go against the flow of what is meant to be. (as stated before there is no right or wrong, there just is).
If I were an impatient person I would probably already have gotten married and had babies at this point with some Joe Shmoe. Thankfully I don’t settle for less in life, and am very picky and particular. I have been patient in my pursuit of the right person for one thing, and I am glad that I was never afraid of giving up what I knew wasn’t right, for the possibility of waiting longer for someone that was.
But let’s get back on track… I look at friends who have lived in the same town their whole lives, because that is what works for them. So who would I be to judge them and say they should have lived somewhere else for a while, gotten out of their comfort zone a little more like me… I wouldn’t say that, because what worked for me isn’t right for everyone else… Sorry if this is being redundant, but I am trying to prove a point. I think it’s important to get away from your comfort zone, but ONLY in a way that works for you… I had to experience things somewhere else, cause I knew those experiences could not be had anywhere else.
The reason I am writing about all of this, is because not so long ago I began to turn off (what I call) “negative reinforcement” in my life. I recognized one day: I wouldn’t worry about anything much in my life if other people didn’t feel obligated to spout out their worry and concern for me would I? We all go through phases in life where we make mistakes and learn from them. However, if you allow someone to tell you that what you are doing is wrong, it will control your choices, which will effect you. What those people don’t understand is that your past doesn’t have to be your future, if you choose for it not to be. Unfortunately, 85% of the reason why I ever worry in the first place is because of what other people say to me… If you take a deep look at all the things you have done in your life, you may find this applies to you, or that it once did. Hopefully, like myself, you have journeyed past worrying about what others think of you, and simply focus on what you do. It is so important to decipher what is being told to you. I have had conversations with friends about how much harder my life used to be, because I used to allow others fears to poison what I felt was truly pure and good. Sometimes it’s good that I have people in my life who care, and other times, they have no idea how much it hurts when I feel like they think I am just this big idiot who is bound to make mistakes.
The irony of it all is that no one ever voiced their worry or concerns when I had a high paying job and went out partying all the time, would drink, or go home intoxicated on the MTA by myself late at night… No one had any concerns when I would compulsively date out of boredom, or make-out with guys I barely knew… So MY concerns for those people are, why are you concerned NOW that I am actually making healthy choices in my life? Why are people concerned that I have chosen not to go back to school at this time for financial reasons, during a time of economical crisis? Someone I have known for a long time actually went so far as to say that what I am doing is stupid, when I am making alternatives to better my life. They felt my leaving New York was a mistake, well as much as I know that person cares, what they don’t know is that I have learned all I need to learn from this portion of my life. And I am ready to pursue other dreams of mine.
Thankfully, I have more respect for myself today, so much more than I had a year and a half ago. So when the heads turn and shake in disapproval, or can’t understand, all I can say is, is your life any better than mine? Have you really made all the perfect choices that you are so high above me that you can judge what I do and decide it’s the wrong way of doing something? My advice to the human race: Never assume that you know a persons heart, or that you know the measure of something someone feels. Because people feel things at different times and in different measures.
I mean peoples opinions, can be hurtful, and bring unnecessary stress to your everyday life. I only hope like myself, you will realize (or have already) you have to cut out that kind of negative reinforcement, and listen to your heart. Just say: “If I am not concerned about it, why are you?” Perhaps they are afraid you will regret or resent what you end up doing? Maybe people feel this way because they resent or are upset about how they ended up. Or they can’t comprehend how one can feel so strongly about something so quickly, and that scares them because they don’t know what that feels like. But things that are different do scare people. It’s a historical fact. So… not sure what the answer is, but this is the best I could come up with: Fear, so many people live in fear, and they don’t even know it. Because fear has become a companion, a part of life, a way of thinking. Before impulsively doing something, people will think about that impulse, and what might come from it, and then how it will affect them, then how it will affect their loved ones, until the fear spider webs itself around the instinctual impulse, until the impulse is gone. The way I deal with impulses that I feel: feel the impulse, if the impulse isn’t hurting you, or anyone else, feed the impulse, otherwise you will regret. Now I am not saying, go on a shopping spree and feed the impulse to blow thousands of dollars, but if something is a good impulse, and brings you immense joy, it’s a good feeling to feed. This fear works with other things as well though, like happiness, I am victim of this myself, where life is so good, that you have to come up with possible scenarios of how it will fall down around you. And by listening to others questioning on your life, the people you care about feed the small insecurities that are tucked away in your subconscious. You think “Something’s got to go wrong, life IS too good, maybe my friend was right?” but the reality is, your friend isn’t always right, and happiness does not have to be fleeting, if you allow it, and take a broom to the fear that pollutes those happy feelings, it will last.
While I have always been a go getter, fear used to rule my life on other levels, which I believe sabotaged jobs and relationships. I have begun a journey of enlightened thinking where I will not allow fear to manifest and linger in my thoughts for too long, because that is how failure presents itself. If you feel doubt creep in, look at a photo of a moment where you felt good, and hold on to that good feeling. It not only will remind that what you have is better than the fear, you will appreciate the things that make you feel satisfied, and you’ll realize the worry was never really there to begin with. The truth of almost every matter (and this is just how I personally feel) is that if you worry about something, the chances of it happening are a lot higher. I certainly don’t have all the answers, to irradiate fear is pretty much impossible (and I definitely have my days) but there are ways to ignore unnecessary fears, by focusing on what your initial feeling told you, and less on what others say. This might come off haughty and pretentious, but it’s what has actually given me internal happiness.
I think it’s fair to say that while I know I will change, (because we all do) because change is inevitable, that I know myself frighteningly well. I know that when I feel passionately about something, that I will always feel passionately about that something. That when I feel love, it’s real, and as long as that love is nourished and reciprocated, I will continue to love. Certain things do not change for me, and I also believe I am frighteningly intuitive. I follow my base instincts, because that is when your mind is at it’s highest clarity. And this is true for most people, they just don’t tap into it.
My true friends who’ve known me for a long time know that while my choices and feelings may seem accelerated, that these affirmations are a result of a lot focused thought, and that the only persons opinion that really matters, is mine. So they trust my decisions. This should not sound like I am coming off as insensitive to what others think or feel, but these choices do not concern anyone else. Because at the end of the day, when you are laying in bed, did you do things to satisfy your heart, or did you do something because it would satisfy someone else?
But just to clarify, if my choice directly involve a friend or a family member, than of course I would take into consideration how they feel. If it were a public statement that I was making, and it was a generalization that could offend someone, and make me look bad to others, then I would also listen to what my friend or family member had to say, because in the end, I know their concern would only be based out of love, not out of negativity. There is big difference between negative input and positive input, but that’s another tangent.
This rant is a happy rant of sorts if you will…because writing it only solidifies my peace with this way of thinking. But for anyone reading this, who does not always feel inner peace, I hope you too will try to dispel negativity in your life that is directed from other people, and outside sources that are not of your own thinking. And hold true to the healthy changes, feelings, and activities you embark upon. Be aware that you can’t please all the people all the time, and it’s not your job to do it. Friends and family have their own insecurities to deal with, and if what you do makes them feel uneasy, it is probably because it stemmed fear in them about something they are unhappy about with in their own life.
When life presents you with the things you really want, it’s best to try and take it while it is there, and if you wind up broken hearted about it, at least you can rest assured that you tried, and that you tried with all you had to give, free of fears. That when it’s done, it’s done, and you will have no question in your mind any longer about it’s hold on your life. And if you continue to live this way, fearless with hope, and keep trying, in the end the best things will come your way, because you are holding a candle of trust, and not the ashes of fear. If you don’t want something in your life, exclaim what you do want, not what you don’t want, cause the more you focus of what you don’t want, the more it will gravitate your way… I kid you not on this.
Well I have not much else to say, so I will leave you with some wonderful Dylan, who also inspired this ramble of thought.
“Half of the people can be part right all of the time
Some of the people can be all right part of the time
But all of the people can't be all right all of the time
I think Abraham Lincoln said that
"I'll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours"
I said that..” – Bob Dylan-
So let’s start this rant off right. My life is totally one hundred and fifty percent unique from anyone elses life, and so is yours (to whomever is reading this) for that matter.
Despite what people say, I cannot ignore what I know and feel. Ultimately I will do what I believe is the best thing for my own personal life and lifes circumstances, despite what anyone thinks, and you should do the same. We each find our own path, and find what works for us and our individuality. If you have already found your happiness in life, don’t assume that what worked for you, will work for someone else, or that just because someone else isn’t doing what worked for you, that it’s the wrong way to do it… That’s not how people function…
I always find it hysterically ironic that people that love certain movies are the same people, who if they personally knew the people in those movies, would surely have some negative feedback about their lifestyles… But isn’t the truth of the matter that we all want a storybook life? A life that is a little bit more interesting? But that’s a side thought, and not the point of this stream of consciousness I have decided to put out into the Universe. What I am talking about here is the path, the road, whatever the heck you want to call it that we walk on. The metaphorical journey that each person so desperately tries to connect with and figure out. Let’s talk about choices, you know the ones you make along that “journey.”
Hypothetically speaking: What if my best friend Kristen had made all the same choices that I had on her journey? Instead of staying in New York, where she grew up, let’s say she decided to move to Atlanta, and went to school there, and built a life there, it wouldn’t have really worked the same for her as my moving away from Atlanta, right? Moving around in my youth worked for me, but doesn’t work for everyone… Kristen has found other ways to expand her mind, and travels quite frequently. She even went away for a summer to New Mexico to paint last year. And is currently working on a wall mural in the city. She didn’t follow the same path I did, for if she had, who would she be, would she even be in New York to do a mural? She may have turned into a really boring person, she may have ditched art completely, her life away from New York would not have had the same impact that my life had being away from Atlanta. Kristen has a unique life however, she has vast calm, and lives a life that anyone would envy. We are not the same person, and for that I am glad. I believe that we have learned so much from each others differences, and give each other complimenting advice, which helps instead of hurts. Some people might compare the two of us, and say, I am not as patient a person, but I am actually just as patient, just in a different way. Externally I might get more hot headed, but that’s what makes me me, and don’t think Kristen doesn’t have her own fire, she just lights it in a different way. This is the beauty of being an individual. It is the beauty of being different, that gives each life a special zeal.
I am often misrepresented as impatient (hell if anyone likes long lines at the post office) but I know how to wait for things! I have persistently pursued my art since I was fifteen, and anyone that takes care of children, knows you must have a huge amount of inner calm and patience to work with kids on a day to day basis. I have waited, and am still waiting for many things in my life, but when I don’t see the need to wait for something any longer than necessary, I won’t. Why? Because purposefully waiting for something, because you think it’s the “right” thing to do, or what society expects of you to do, is how you go against the flow of what is meant to be. (as stated before there is no right or wrong, there just is).
If I were an impatient person I would probably already have gotten married and had babies at this point with some Joe Shmoe. Thankfully I don’t settle for less in life, and am very picky and particular. I have been patient in my pursuit of the right person for one thing, and I am glad that I was never afraid of giving up what I knew wasn’t right, for the possibility of waiting longer for someone that was.
But let’s get back on track… I look at friends who have lived in the same town their whole lives, because that is what works for them. So who would I be to judge them and say they should have lived somewhere else for a while, gotten out of their comfort zone a little more like me… I wouldn’t say that, because what worked for me isn’t right for everyone else… Sorry if this is being redundant, but I am trying to prove a point. I think it’s important to get away from your comfort zone, but ONLY in a way that works for you… I had to experience things somewhere else, cause I knew those experiences could not be had anywhere else.
The reason I am writing about all of this, is because not so long ago I began to turn off (what I call) “negative reinforcement” in my life. I recognized one day: I wouldn’t worry about anything much in my life if other people didn’t feel obligated to spout out their worry and concern for me would I? We all go through phases in life where we make mistakes and learn from them. However, if you allow someone to tell you that what you are doing is wrong, it will control your choices, which will effect you. What those people don’t understand is that your past doesn’t have to be your future, if you choose for it not to be. Unfortunately, 85% of the reason why I ever worry in the first place is because of what other people say to me… If you take a deep look at all the things you have done in your life, you may find this applies to you, or that it once did. Hopefully, like myself, you have journeyed past worrying about what others think of you, and simply focus on what you do. It is so important to decipher what is being told to you. I have had conversations with friends about how much harder my life used to be, because I used to allow others fears to poison what I felt was truly pure and good. Sometimes it’s good that I have people in my life who care, and other times, they have no idea how much it hurts when I feel like they think I am just this big idiot who is bound to make mistakes.
The irony of it all is that no one ever voiced their worry or concerns when I had a high paying job and went out partying all the time, would drink, or go home intoxicated on the MTA by myself late at night… No one had any concerns when I would compulsively date out of boredom, or make-out with guys I barely knew… So MY concerns for those people are, why are you concerned NOW that I am actually making healthy choices in my life? Why are people concerned that I have chosen not to go back to school at this time for financial reasons, during a time of economical crisis? Someone I have known for a long time actually went so far as to say that what I am doing is stupid, when I am making alternatives to better my life. They felt my leaving New York was a mistake, well as much as I know that person cares, what they don’t know is that I have learned all I need to learn from this portion of my life. And I am ready to pursue other dreams of mine.
Thankfully, I have more respect for myself today, so much more than I had a year and a half ago. So when the heads turn and shake in disapproval, or can’t understand, all I can say is, is your life any better than mine? Have you really made all the perfect choices that you are so high above me that you can judge what I do and decide it’s the wrong way of doing something? My advice to the human race: Never assume that you know a persons heart, or that you know the measure of something someone feels. Because people feel things at different times and in different measures.
I mean peoples opinions, can be hurtful, and bring unnecessary stress to your everyday life. I only hope like myself, you will realize (or have already) you have to cut out that kind of negative reinforcement, and listen to your heart. Just say: “If I am not concerned about it, why are you?” Perhaps they are afraid you will regret or resent what you end up doing? Maybe people feel this way because they resent or are upset about how they ended up. Or they can’t comprehend how one can feel so strongly about something so quickly, and that scares them because they don’t know what that feels like. But things that are different do scare people. It’s a historical fact. So… not sure what the answer is, but this is the best I could come up with: Fear, so many people live in fear, and they don’t even know it. Because fear has become a companion, a part of life, a way of thinking. Before impulsively doing something, people will think about that impulse, and what might come from it, and then how it will affect them, then how it will affect their loved ones, until the fear spider webs itself around the instinctual impulse, until the impulse is gone. The way I deal with impulses that I feel: feel the impulse, if the impulse isn’t hurting you, or anyone else, feed the impulse, otherwise you will regret. Now I am not saying, go on a shopping spree and feed the impulse to blow thousands of dollars, but if something is a good impulse, and brings you immense joy, it’s a good feeling to feed. This fear works with other things as well though, like happiness, I am victim of this myself, where life is so good, that you have to come up with possible scenarios of how it will fall down around you. And by listening to others questioning on your life, the people you care about feed the small insecurities that are tucked away in your subconscious. You think “Something’s got to go wrong, life IS too good, maybe my friend was right?” but the reality is, your friend isn’t always right, and happiness does not have to be fleeting, if you allow it, and take a broom to the fear that pollutes those happy feelings, it will last.
While I have always been a go getter, fear used to rule my life on other levels, which I believe sabotaged jobs and relationships. I have begun a journey of enlightened thinking where I will not allow fear to manifest and linger in my thoughts for too long, because that is how failure presents itself. If you feel doubt creep in, look at a photo of a moment where you felt good, and hold on to that good feeling. It not only will remind that what you have is better than the fear, you will appreciate the things that make you feel satisfied, and you’ll realize the worry was never really there to begin with. The truth of almost every matter (and this is just how I personally feel) is that if you worry about something, the chances of it happening are a lot higher. I certainly don’t have all the answers, to irradiate fear is pretty much impossible (and I definitely have my days) but there are ways to ignore unnecessary fears, by focusing on what your initial feeling told you, and less on what others say. This might come off haughty and pretentious, but it’s what has actually given me internal happiness.
I think it’s fair to say that while I know I will change, (because we all do) because change is inevitable, that I know myself frighteningly well. I know that when I feel passionately about something, that I will always feel passionately about that something. That when I feel love, it’s real, and as long as that love is nourished and reciprocated, I will continue to love. Certain things do not change for me, and I also believe I am frighteningly intuitive. I follow my base instincts, because that is when your mind is at it’s highest clarity. And this is true for most people, they just don’t tap into it.
My true friends who’ve known me for a long time know that while my choices and feelings may seem accelerated, that these affirmations are a result of a lot focused thought, and that the only persons opinion that really matters, is mine. So they trust my decisions. This should not sound like I am coming off as insensitive to what others think or feel, but these choices do not concern anyone else. Because at the end of the day, when you are laying in bed, did you do things to satisfy your heart, or did you do something because it would satisfy someone else?
But just to clarify, if my choice directly involve a friend or a family member, than of course I would take into consideration how they feel. If it were a public statement that I was making, and it was a generalization that could offend someone, and make me look bad to others, then I would also listen to what my friend or family member had to say, because in the end, I know their concern would only be based out of love, not out of negativity. There is big difference between negative input and positive input, but that’s another tangent.
This rant is a happy rant of sorts if you will…because writing it only solidifies my peace with this way of thinking. But for anyone reading this, who does not always feel inner peace, I hope you too will try to dispel negativity in your life that is directed from other people, and outside sources that are not of your own thinking. And hold true to the healthy changes, feelings, and activities you embark upon. Be aware that you can’t please all the people all the time, and it’s not your job to do it. Friends and family have their own insecurities to deal with, and if what you do makes them feel uneasy, it is probably because it stemmed fear in them about something they are unhappy about with in their own life.
When life presents you with the things you really want, it’s best to try and take it while it is there, and if you wind up broken hearted about it, at least you can rest assured that you tried, and that you tried with all you had to give, free of fears. That when it’s done, it’s done, and you will have no question in your mind any longer about it’s hold on your life. And if you continue to live this way, fearless with hope, and keep trying, in the end the best things will come your way, because you are holding a candle of trust, and not the ashes of fear. If you don’t want something in your life, exclaim what you do want, not what you don’t want, cause the more you focus of what you don’t want, the more it will gravitate your way… I kid you not on this.
Well I have not much else to say, so I will leave you with some wonderful Dylan, who also inspired this ramble of thought.
“Half of the people can be part right all of the time
Some of the people can be all right part of the time
But all of the people can't be all right all of the time
I think Abraham Lincoln said that
"I'll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours"
I said that..” – Bob Dylan-
Saturday, April 18, 2009
This city girl is ready to fly back South
“ I have to remind myself that some birds aren’t meant to be caged, that’s all. Their feathers are just too bright… and when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice, but still, the place you live is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone.” - Red – Shawshank Redemption -
I got that seven year itch I guess… so after seven years this little bird is finally flying south. Yes that’s is right, I have made the choice to move away from my second home, and back to the state of Georgia at the beginning of July…
New York caught my eye from an early age. And several years ago, when my parents moved from the house I grew up in in Atlanta they asked me to help them sift and rummage through all my old things. I uncovered a Lisa Frank journal from forth grade. In it’s pages I found an entry I’d written about how someday I was going to live in New York. I’d never even visited the big apple until I was nineteen. How I knew I would fall in love with and live in New York someday, I don’t know, but something inside of me always knew I was a little different. Not that you have to be different to live in New York, but you surely, in my opinion, have to have strength of character to stay here past a certain amount of years.
When I was nineteen I went out on a limb and flew to New York on my own. I had friends in Wayne NJ who showed me around for a couple of days. I remember my first experience, eating at an Olive Garden in Times Square. I couldn’t tell you what I was wearing, or what I ate. What I could tell you is how I was purely mesmerized, like all the redneck tourists who stop in the middle of a packed street, looking up at the tall buildings with their mouths wide open, waiting for some cranky New Yorker to bump into them, and shout “What the hell are you doing!” But there I was, staring out the plate glass walls of the Olive Garden, mouth gaping, eyes wide, studying all the lights, marketing and billboards for Broadway musicals and Revlon make-up.
While my first trip to New York didn’t prove fruitful, and I wound up completely broke, I was determined that I would return.
Two years later I moved up to New York to finish my undergrad, and once again ran into some complications, but I managed and survived. Working full and part time while in school, taking internships while working and taking classes in the summers. It was a labor of love. I never thought I would be here this long, I figured I would stay maybe two years at best out of school, and move. In fact when I graduated I almost decided that the best thing for me to do would be to move back home with my folks. However, my parents encouraged me to stay on, and I ended up getting work as a nanny, which sustained me for a long time while I pursued my dreams as an artist. And I believe I had a pretty good run of shows, and a lot of fun doing it.
Being a girl with an itchy foot hasn’t always been easy. Marching to the tune of my own drum hasn’t always been easy either, but New York was the first place in my whole life that made me feel grounded, and full of an electric energy at the same time. It allowed me the chance to be myself. Unlike some college towns (full of townies and drunks, no offense), there is a freedom that New York provided for me while in school. A feeling of maturity washes over you, and you are submerged in culture, function, and movement. It is the one place where you will be among more people than you could have ever imagined, but yet the only place where you feel overwhelmingly lonely at the same time. And the only place where you are left to your own devices. But at the same time you never have to go out and wonder if you will have a good time, because good times are around every corner. Every once in a while I will walk around, feel the wind around my neck, look up at the buildings and say, I did it, I lived here, worked here, showed my art here, and now I am ready to leave here. And proudly understand those words that Frank sang so long ago.
I have met some pretty amazing people in my life, but New York is where I made some of my closest and lifelong friends. Who support, love, enjoy, create and invite me to be part of their ever changing lives.
But I suppose around last summer I began to think about my life, what I want, and started formulating images in my head of a completely different life. Not one without my art, but one that added a little bit more to the picture of my life. I started with a canvas in my head, wanting originally to be closer to my parents. I saw my life, but couldn’t imagine continuing and not being able to see them more often as they got older.
Then thoughts drifted through my mind of having someone, again. But I realized I didn’t really want to start a relationship in the City, and I didn’t want to just start something serious with just anyone. I contemplated and even tried longer distance relations, but realized I was settling for people I only felt mediocre about, or unsure of. After a while I completely gave up on the idea, that I would really find my souls equal. And eventually I was alright with that, because the canvas showed me that I was finally one and whole within myself, and that I love myself enough that I was willing to be happy by myself. I sincerely stopped caring about finding a solid relationship, and I stopped looking. Figuring I could just deal with the whatever and me.
Then I started to realize all the cities glitter only shines when you are happy. And if happiness is a state of mind, and not a state of place, I knew that I could be happy anywhere, and began to contemplate my life outside of the concrete and busy streets. The beauty of being an artist, and something which took me ages to figure out, is that as an artist you can go anywhere, and still do what you love…
So, not too long ago, something I wasn’t expecting happened, someone that infused my life with new meaning, and new goals and inspirations… I used to think love was a test of time, that only time would prove a persons honesty and devotion. Well I have learned that this is not always the case, that each case is in fact very unique. After talking to my friend Mikalee for a while, we talked about how no one will ever know your relationship; no one can judge or even guess how important it is to you. Every case is different, each relationship is different, has a different story, started with a different set of circumstances, and that no one will ever understand your bond, but you and that person you are bonded with.
I found an instant emotional syncopation with Jason, and so I realized this is it, the final key, the final door, I didn’t know something could be this instant, this amazing, but it is, and now all the arrows I saw are coming together and drawing a line within the canvas that connects all the thoughts that I knew to be true, and right. It is time for me to be closer to the love of my life, and to be closer to my family who I cherish, and time for me to discover true and meaningful success. I can’t wait to share my life, my art, my ups and my downs in a familiar place with a lot of new starts, new stories and a totally new adventure that I pray will last a lifetime.
I can’t wait to someday write down all the stories, and dramadies about my life in New York. For me it’s the end of an era, and I have discovered so much more about myself, I found true inner happiness, and what it means to be and live in the here and now. Without all the trains, walking and talking I would not be the confident girl I see in the mirror. The girl who speaks her mind, and thinks outside and around the box. Who will continue to follow her true instinct. New York has been my home, and nothing can ever replace my feelings and memories and strong love/hate relationship I have with this city of lights.
One thing I am not going to let happen this time around however, is that I am NOT going to lose touch with the amazing people I have met, and the great friends I have grown close to. I regret very often losing touch with a lot of people after I left for college, and I will never let that happen again.
I will leave you with this last quote from Shawshank: There are things in this world not carved out of grey stone. That there is a small place inside of us they can never lock away, and that place is called hope.” Like the sunscreen song says, leave before NYC makes you hard, well I still have hope, I am harder than I used to be, that’s to be true, but I am still very sensitive in spots, and I’d like to stay that way. The only way I have managed to keep most of my sanity is because of my friends here in the city. But I will say this much, most of them were born and raised here, there families are here, their loves are here, my family and my love are away from here, and that is where I feel I want and need to be.
I got that seven year itch I guess… so after seven years this little bird is finally flying south. Yes that’s is right, I have made the choice to move away from my second home, and back to the state of Georgia at the beginning of July…
New York caught my eye from an early age. And several years ago, when my parents moved from the house I grew up in in Atlanta they asked me to help them sift and rummage through all my old things. I uncovered a Lisa Frank journal from forth grade. In it’s pages I found an entry I’d written about how someday I was going to live in New York. I’d never even visited the big apple until I was nineteen. How I knew I would fall in love with and live in New York someday, I don’t know, but something inside of me always knew I was a little different. Not that you have to be different to live in New York, but you surely, in my opinion, have to have strength of character to stay here past a certain amount of years.
When I was nineteen I went out on a limb and flew to New York on my own. I had friends in Wayne NJ who showed me around for a couple of days. I remember my first experience, eating at an Olive Garden in Times Square. I couldn’t tell you what I was wearing, or what I ate. What I could tell you is how I was purely mesmerized, like all the redneck tourists who stop in the middle of a packed street, looking up at the tall buildings with their mouths wide open, waiting for some cranky New Yorker to bump into them, and shout “What the hell are you doing!” But there I was, staring out the plate glass walls of the Olive Garden, mouth gaping, eyes wide, studying all the lights, marketing and billboards for Broadway musicals and Revlon make-up.
While my first trip to New York didn’t prove fruitful, and I wound up completely broke, I was determined that I would return.
Two years later I moved up to New York to finish my undergrad, and once again ran into some complications, but I managed and survived. Working full and part time while in school, taking internships while working and taking classes in the summers. It was a labor of love. I never thought I would be here this long, I figured I would stay maybe two years at best out of school, and move. In fact when I graduated I almost decided that the best thing for me to do would be to move back home with my folks. However, my parents encouraged me to stay on, and I ended up getting work as a nanny, which sustained me for a long time while I pursued my dreams as an artist. And I believe I had a pretty good run of shows, and a lot of fun doing it.
Being a girl with an itchy foot hasn’t always been easy. Marching to the tune of my own drum hasn’t always been easy either, but New York was the first place in my whole life that made me feel grounded, and full of an electric energy at the same time. It allowed me the chance to be myself. Unlike some college towns (full of townies and drunks, no offense), there is a freedom that New York provided for me while in school. A feeling of maturity washes over you, and you are submerged in culture, function, and movement. It is the one place where you will be among more people than you could have ever imagined, but yet the only place where you feel overwhelmingly lonely at the same time. And the only place where you are left to your own devices. But at the same time you never have to go out and wonder if you will have a good time, because good times are around every corner. Every once in a while I will walk around, feel the wind around my neck, look up at the buildings and say, I did it, I lived here, worked here, showed my art here, and now I am ready to leave here. And proudly understand those words that Frank sang so long ago.
I have met some pretty amazing people in my life, but New York is where I made some of my closest and lifelong friends. Who support, love, enjoy, create and invite me to be part of their ever changing lives.
But I suppose around last summer I began to think about my life, what I want, and started formulating images in my head of a completely different life. Not one without my art, but one that added a little bit more to the picture of my life. I started with a canvas in my head, wanting originally to be closer to my parents. I saw my life, but couldn’t imagine continuing and not being able to see them more often as they got older.
Then thoughts drifted through my mind of having someone, again. But I realized I didn’t really want to start a relationship in the City, and I didn’t want to just start something serious with just anyone. I contemplated and even tried longer distance relations, but realized I was settling for people I only felt mediocre about, or unsure of. After a while I completely gave up on the idea, that I would really find my souls equal. And eventually I was alright with that, because the canvas showed me that I was finally one and whole within myself, and that I love myself enough that I was willing to be happy by myself. I sincerely stopped caring about finding a solid relationship, and I stopped looking. Figuring I could just deal with the whatever and me.
Then I started to realize all the cities glitter only shines when you are happy. And if happiness is a state of mind, and not a state of place, I knew that I could be happy anywhere, and began to contemplate my life outside of the concrete and busy streets. The beauty of being an artist, and something which took me ages to figure out, is that as an artist you can go anywhere, and still do what you love…
So, not too long ago, something I wasn’t expecting happened, someone that infused my life with new meaning, and new goals and inspirations… I used to think love was a test of time, that only time would prove a persons honesty and devotion. Well I have learned that this is not always the case, that each case is in fact very unique. After talking to my friend Mikalee for a while, we talked about how no one will ever know your relationship; no one can judge or even guess how important it is to you. Every case is different, each relationship is different, has a different story, started with a different set of circumstances, and that no one will ever understand your bond, but you and that person you are bonded with.
I found an instant emotional syncopation with Jason, and so I realized this is it, the final key, the final door, I didn’t know something could be this instant, this amazing, but it is, and now all the arrows I saw are coming together and drawing a line within the canvas that connects all the thoughts that I knew to be true, and right. It is time for me to be closer to the love of my life, and to be closer to my family who I cherish, and time for me to discover true and meaningful success. I can’t wait to share my life, my art, my ups and my downs in a familiar place with a lot of new starts, new stories and a totally new adventure that I pray will last a lifetime.
I can’t wait to someday write down all the stories, and dramadies about my life in New York. For me it’s the end of an era, and I have discovered so much more about myself, I found true inner happiness, and what it means to be and live in the here and now. Without all the trains, walking and talking I would not be the confident girl I see in the mirror. The girl who speaks her mind, and thinks outside and around the box. Who will continue to follow her true instinct. New York has been my home, and nothing can ever replace my feelings and memories and strong love/hate relationship I have with this city of lights.
One thing I am not going to let happen this time around however, is that I am NOT going to lose touch with the amazing people I have met, and the great friends I have grown close to. I regret very often losing touch with a lot of people after I left for college, and I will never let that happen again.
I will leave you with this last quote from Shawshank: There are things in this world not carved out of grey stone. That there is a small place inside of us they can never lock away, and that place is called hope.” Like the sunscreen song says, leave before NYC makes you hard, well I still have hope, I am harder than I used to be, that’s to be true, but I am still very sensitive in spots, and I’d like to stay that way. The only way I have managed to keep most of my sanity is because of my friends here in the city. But I will say this much, most of them were born and raised here, there families are here, their loves are here, my family and my love are away from here, and that is where I feel I want and need to be.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
