The other night after some much deserved rest, and relaxation, I began to stir, and contemplate certain things in my life. This was stemmed by a conversation I had. The conversation made me think about all the people around me whose lives have been affected by their work, relationships, children, relocating, etc... There is no wrong or right, there just is, and I realize that my lifes choices cannot be hindered based on other peoples warnings based on their personal experiences. I think when people draw upon stories from their lives; they are only trying to be helpful, hoping you will apply their insight to your own life. By me writing this, it’s actually the same thing, I am hoping that my insight will give you insight. The only difference is, my insight might actually make you a happier person. My insight will not judge your life, make assumptions because of things I myself have been through, or give you advice you didn’t want.
So let’s start this rant off right. My life is totally one hundred and fifty percent unique from anyone elses life, and so is yours (to whomever is reading this) for that matter.
Despite what people say, I cannot ignore what I know and feel. Ultimately I will do what I believe is the best thing for my own personal life and lifes circumstances, despite what anyone thinks, and you should do the same. We each find our own path, and find what works for us and our individuality. If you have already found your happiness in life, don’t assume that what worked for you, will work for someone else, or that just because someone else isn’t doing what worked for you, that it’s the wrong way to do it… That’s not how people function…
I always find it hysterically ironic that people that love certain movies are the same people, who if they personally knew the people in those movies, would surely have some negative feedback about their lifestyles… But isn’t the truth of the matter that we all want a storybook life? A life that is a little bit more interesting? But that’s a side thought, and not the point of this stream of consciousness I have decided to put out into the Universe. What I am talking about here is the path, the road, whatever the heck you want to call it that we walk on. The metaphorical journey that each person so desperately tries to connect with and figure out. Let’s talk about choices, you know the ones you make along that “journey.”
Hypothetically speaking: What if my best friend Kristen had made all the same choices that I had on her journey? Instead of staying in New York, where she grew up, let’s say she decided to move to Atlanta, and went to school there, and built a life there, it wouldn’t have really worked the same for her as my moving away from Atlanta, right? Moving around in my youth worked for me, but doesn’t work for everyone… Kristen has found other ways to expand her mind, and travels quite frequently. She even went away for a summer to New Mexico to paint last year. And is currently working on a wall mural in the city. She didn’t follow the same path I did, for if she had, who would she be, would she even be in New York to do a mural? She may have turned into a really boring person, she may have ditched art completely, her life away from New York would not have had the same impact that my life had being away from Atlanta. Kristen has a unique life however, she has vast calm, and lives a life that anyone would envy. We are not the same person, and for that I am glad. I believe that we have learned so much from each others differences, and give each other complimenting advice, which helps instead of hurts. Some people might compare the two of us, and say, I am not as patient a person, but I am actually just as patient, just in a different way. Externally I might get more hot headed, but that’s what makes me me, and don’t think Kristen doesn’t have her own fire, she just lights it in a different way. This is the beauty of being an individual. It is the beauty of being different, that gives each life a special zeal.
I am often misrepresented as impatient (hell if anyone likes long lines at the post office) but I know how to wait for things! I have persistently pursued my art since I was fifteen, and anyone that takes care of children, knows you must have a huge amount of inner calm and patience to work with kids on a day to day basis. I have waited, and am still waiting for many things in my life, but when I don’t see the need to wait for something any longer than necessary, I won’t. Why? Because purposefully waiting for something, because you think it’s the “right” thing to do, or what society expects of you to do, is how you go against the flow of what is meant to be. (as stated before there is no right or wrong, there just is).
If I were an impatient person I would probably already have gotten married and had babies at this point with some Joe Shmoe. Thankfully I don’t settle for less in life, and am very picky and particular. I have been patient in my pursuit of the right person for one thing, and I am glad that I was never afraid of giving up what I knew wasn’t right, for the possibility of waiting longer for someone that was.
But let’s get back on track… I look at friends who have lived in the same town their whole lives, because that is what works for them. So who would I be to judge them and say they should have lived somewhere else for a while, gotten out of their comfort zone a little more like me… I wouldn’t say that, because what worked for me isn’t right for everyone else… Sorry if this is being redundant, but I am trying to prove a point. I think it’s important to get away from your comfort zone, but ONLY in a way that works for you… I had to experience things somewhere else, cause I knew those experiences could not be had anywhere else.
The reason I am writing about all of this, is because not so long ago I began to turn off (what I call) “negative reinforcement” in my life. I recognized one day: I wouldn’t worry about anything much in my life if other people didn’t feel obligated to spout out their worry and concern for me would I? We all go through phases in life where we make mistakes and learn from them. However, if you allow someone to tell you that what you are doing is wrong, it will control your choices, which will effect you. What those people don’t understand is that your past doesn’t have to be your future, if you choose for it not to be. Unfortunately, 85% of the reason why I ever worry in the first place is because of what other people say to me… If you take a deep look at all the things you have done in your life, you may find this applies to you, or that it once did. Hopefully, like myself, you have journeyed past worrying about what others think of you, and simply focus on what you do. It is so important to decipher what is being told to you. I have had conversations with friends about how much harder my life used to be, because I used to allow others fears to poison what I felt was truly pure and good. Sometimes it’s good that I have people in my life who care, and other times, they have no idea how much it hurts when I feel like they think I am just this big idiot who is bound to make mistakes.
The irony of it all is that no one ever voiced their worry or concerns when I had a high paying job and went out partying all the time, would drink, or go home intoxicated on the MTA by myself late at night… No one had any concerns when I would compulsively date out of boredom, or make-out with guys I barely knew… So MY concerns for those people are, why are you concerned NOW that I am actually making healthy choices in my life? Why are people concerned that I have chosen not to go back to school at this time for financial reasons, during a time of economical crisis? Someone I have known for a long time actually went so far as to say that what I am doing is stupid, when I am making alternatives to better my life. They felt my leaving New York was a mistake, well as much as I know that person cares, what they don’t know is that I have learned all I need to learn from this portion of my life. And I am ready to pursue other dreams of mine.
Thankfully, I have more respect for myself today, so much more than I had a year and a half ago. So when the heads turn and shake in disapproval, or can’t understand, all I can say is, is your life any better than mine? Have you really made all the perfect choices that you are so high above me that you can judge what I do and decide it’s the wrong way of doing something? My advice to the human race: Never assume that you know a persons heart, or that you know the measure of something someone feels. Because people feel things at different times and in different measures.
I mean peoples opinions, can be hurtful, and bring unnecessary stress to your everyday life. I only hope like myself, you will realize (or have already) you have to cut out that kind of negative reinforcement, and listen to your heart. Just say: “If I am not concerned about it, why are you?” Perhaps they are afraid you will regret or resent what you end up doing? Maybe people feel this way because they resent or are upset about how they ended up. Or they can’t comprehend how one can feel so strongly about something so quickly, and that scares them because they don’t know what that feels like. But things that are different do scare people. It’s a historical fact. So… not sure what the answer is, but this is the best I could come up with: Fear, so many people live in fear, and they don’t even know it. Because fear has become a companion, a part of life, a way of thinking. Before impulsively doing something, people will think about that impulse, and what might come from it, and then how it will affect them, then how it will affect their loved ones, until the fear spider webs itself around the instinctual impulse, until the impulse is gone. The way I deal with impulses that I feel: feel the impulse, if the impulse isn’t hurting you, or anyone else, feed the impulse, otherwise you will regret. Now I am not saying, go on a shopping spree and feed the impulse to blow thousands of dollars, but if something is a good impulse, and brings you immense joy, it’s a good feeling to feed. This fear works with other things as well though, like happiness, I am victim of this myself, where life is so good, that you have to come up with possible scenarios of how it will fall down around you. And by listening to others questioning on your life, the people you care about feed the small insecurities that are tucked away in your subconscious. You think “Something’s got to go wrong, life IS too good, maybe my friend was right?” but the reality is, your friend isn’t always right, and happiness does not have to be fleeting, if you allow it, and take a broom to the fear that pollutes those happy feelings, it will last.
While I have always been a go getter, fear used to rule my life on other levels, which I believe sabotaged jobs and relationships. I have begun a journey of enlightened thinking where I will not allow fear to manifest and linger in my thoughts for too long, because that is how failure presents itself. If you feel doubt creep in, look at a photo of a moment where you felt good, and hold on to that good feeling. It not only will remind that what you have is better than the fear, you will appreciate the things that make you feel satisfied, and you’ll realize the worry was never really there to begin with. The truth of almost every matter (and this is just how I personally feel) is that if you worry about something, the chances of it happening are a lot higher. I certainly don’t have all the answers, to irradiate fear is pretty much impossible (and I definitely have my days) but there are ways to ignore unnecessary fears, by focusing on what your initial feeling told you, and less on what others say. This might come off haughty and pretentious, but it’s what has actually given me internal happiness.
I think it’s fair to say that while I know I will change, (because we all do) because change is inevitable, that I know myself frighteningly well. I know that when I feel passionately about something, that I will always feel passionately about that something. That when I feel love, it’s real, and as long as that love is nourished and reciprocated, I will continue to love. Certain things do not change for me, and I also believe I am frighteningly intuitive. I follow my base instincts, because that is when your mind is at it’s highest clarity. And this is true for most people, they just don’t tap into it.
My true friends who’ve known me for a long time know that while my choices and feelings may seem accelerated, that these affirmations are a result of a lot focused thought, and that the only persons opinion that really matters, is mine. So they trust my decisions. This should not sound like I am coming off as insensitive to what others think or feel, but these choices do not concern anyone else. Because at the end of the day, when you are laying in bed, did you do things to satisfy your heart, or did you do something because it would satisfy someone else?
But just to clarify, if my choice directly involve a friend or a family member, than of course I would take into consideration how they feel. If it were a public statement that I was making, and it was a generalization that could offend someone, and make me look bad to others, then I would also listen to what my friend or family member had to say, because in the end, I know their concern would only be based out of love, not out of negativity. There is big difference between negative input and positive input, but that’s another tangent.
This rant is a happy rant of sorts if you will…because writing it only solidifies my peace with this way of thinking. But for anyone reading this, who does not always feel inner peace, I hope you too will try to dispel negativity in your life that is directed from other people, and outside sources that are not of your own thinking. And hold true to the healthy changes, feelings, and activities you embark upon. Be aware that you can’t please all the people all the time, and it’s not your job to do it. Friends and family have their own insecurities to deal with, and if what you do makes them feel uneasy, it is probably because it stemmed fear in them about something they are unhappy about with in their own life.
When life presents you with the things you really want, it’s best to try and take it while it is there, and if you wind up broken hearted about it, at least you can rest assured that you tried, and that you tried with all you had to give, free of fears. That when it’s done, it’s done, and you will have no question in your mind any longer about it’s hold on your life. And if you continue to live this way, fearless with hope, and keep trying, in the end the best things will come your way, because you are holding a candle of trust, and not the ashes of fear. If you don’t want something in your life, exclaim what you do want, not what you don’t want, cause the more you focus of what you don’t want, the more it will gravitate your way… I kid you not on this.
Well I have not much else to say, so I will leave you with some wonderful Dylan, who also inspired this ramble of thought.
“Half of the people can be part right all of the time
Some of the people can be all right part of the time
But all of the people can't be all right all of the time
I think Abraham Lincoln said that
"I'll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours"
I said that..” – Bob Dylan-
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment