So a year ago this weekend was my last weekend in New York. It's been a year now since I said my farewells and goodbyes to some of my closest friends, and people whom I have infinite and unforgettable memories with. Many funny memories, many trying memories, but all that have brought me to this place in my life right now.
It's wild to think only a year ago I was finishing up a great part time nanny job with a terrific family, and packing up my apartment one last time in New York, cause as most New Yorkers know, you probably move around a good bit, trying to find a better apartment, or lower rent. Living in New York for 7 years really changed me in so many ways. It made me wiser, stronger, more understanding, probably more patient person, if that's possible, lol.
I never intended to live in NY forever, although I did consider it home while I lived there. It was one of the only places where I felt 100% comfortable. Maybe sometimes unhinged, but always myself. Always able to meet and make new friends without a hitch. The place where I could go to my local hangouts on nights when I felt lonely and run into a group of people who would welcome me with good food and good music. Call up a friend after work for a cup of coffee in Union Square, or drop by a friends place without making solid plans after running some errands. A place where when I walked down the street after a long day of work or whatever, I could look around me and say, I live here, this is what is normal, this is what I like. But over the years, and before I met Jason, I had a very challenging time. Events and circumstances I am glad I was able to scrape out of, and then a complete rediscovery of who I was. I began to reexamine what it was in life that I really wanted, what kind of person I would want to share that life with, and no one seemed ready to fit that bill. Getting in touch with your inner psychic also never hurts.
The busy life was good for me, and quiet often to miss the bee mentality, but I knew a change was coming.
I was torn between a life of fun and spontaneous outings, and a life that I envied that other people had. A simpler life, not less exciting, but exciting in a different way. I would look at photos of friends with there new families and realize how much I wanted that. Eventually I realized, that might not be my path, might not have been what was truly meant to be. But I also didn't know if being one of a billion alternative Brooklyn artist (who never seem to wash their hair) was my thing either... Not that it's not cool to do so, but you know what I mean.
It's funny to me because so many people in New York think they are different, living this alternative lifestyle that so few do, I too felt this way for a long while, when in reality I think I know more (if not just as many) people living that kind of life, than owning homes and raising families. Both having their qualities and merit, but not one or the other I think is really that much harder or more adventurous... I will maybe write a blog about that another time... I guess it's easier for me to see this, because I have done a bit of both now.
Anyway... Before I met Jason I decided I wanted to leave NY, and kinda gave up on finding the person I would spend my life with, considering different paths, and just being content with whatever. But then one holiday vacation while trying very hard to mind my own business at a Bath and Body works, a random moment changed everything as I would know it. Taking me away from all the comforts of my big city home.
I remember my last night out in the city with my friends, it was a good one, we went to Nice Guy Eddies, down in my faved area, the lower east side, had a couple drinks, and some dancing. It was one of the hardest moments of my life when it was time to head home and get some sleep for the long move ahead of us. Jason and I hailed a taxi, and I think I probably bawled my eyes out the whole way. But after I calmed down, I looked at my engagement ring, only a few days prior Jason had proposed to me by the Hudson River, at night, with all the twinkling lights watching us. Looking at this symbol of a promise close to follow, I realized, nothing can take away the excitement of this new journey. And while the journey has been different, and I miss my friends more often than not, I wouldn't change a thing. Unless of course changing something meant I could own my own island and put everyone I love on it...
I suppose most of the time, I don't see life as good or bad, right or wrong, I just see it as life. I don't think life is better or worse, I think it's just different, because life changes, and the things you experience are either more exciting or less exciting or just a different kind of exciting.
So this year my big adventure is having a kid. It's probably one of the scariest and most exciting things I have ever done in my life. And trust me I have been through some scary things in my life, lol. I think it's obviously annoying when people tell you your life will never be the same again (after having kids). It's like really??? No shit Sherlock. It's like the biggest cliche in the book too, I mean don't people get how dumb they sound when they say that? I swear if I ever say that to someone who is younger than me after I have my baby, will someone do me the favor of punching me? I mean no duh... life will NOT be the same... And maybe that's the point? Maybe I wanted children for just that reason. Cause without change, life is boring (to me anyway). I mean am I supposed to wait another 5-10 years? Will it make the change easier somehow? And isn't it kinda insulting to say that life with children will never be normal again? Isn't having kids like one of the most natural and normal things that can happen to a woman? How would I not be normal afterwards? I mean life changes? Our bodies change. Does that mean I am handicapped? I am not losing an arm or a leg am I?
When you were 18 no one warned you before you went off to college did they? NO they told you it was going to be awesome, no one said HEY life is gonna change forever, or make it sound ominous did they? No they acted like being around and becoming an alcoholic for the next 4 years of your life was gonna be the best time of your life. They pat you on the back and sent on your clueless way. GEEZ, I often wish people had told me when I went off to college, your life will change forever in a doomsday way, cause seriously, I might could have avoided some mistakes... No one told me, enjoy your flawless body cause you will never be 18 and 100 pounds again... Or use that excessive energy wisely because when you turn 25 you will suddenly feel the earths pull on those resources. Not ONE person told me, hey you might have some crappy ass roomates your first semester so be prepared to want to gouge someones eye balls out for the first time in your life and have to have a group of friends move all your crap for you cause you are dying from a flu in the dead of winter!
Ahhh oh well again that's another rant... Back to what I was saying.
I can't truly compare my life in NY to my life now in GA because neither one is better or worse, just completely different. My life in GA is however better to me in one respect. That I do not have to ask myself, when will I be loved? When will I finally meet that person I am supposed to share this life with? I do not have to question our commitment to one another. And for some people that might seem presumptuous, because no one knows what the future holds, but that is what my life holds right now, and that is what matters. I don't wonder "how old will I be when I have children?", a question I wondered for a long time, or wonder "will I ever have children?" I could live anywhere with Jason and feel the way I do now. My location would not make it better or worse, because life hands you challenges wherever you go, and wherever you are. You will be faced with self doubt or overwhelming self confidence. And how it's handled has nothing to do with where you are, it's what you decided to do with it. You can live in the most happening town, but if you aren't making anything happen, what's the difference if you lived in a small town?
Anyway, the point I guess of all my dribble, is that happiness is a state of mind, not a state of place. I have said that before, and I will always stand by it. And although I miss NY still, and the wonderful people I know up there, I know my life is just as exciting here enjoying my 4th of July with my now husband and baby to be.
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